Halfway Hip

Not quite so tired today

The weekend was really just shit.  My kids have been reacting in a normal fashion to such a drastic change in lifestyle, but it's still pretty hard to take.  Aidan has had some massive, angry tantrums.  It got really bad on Sunday, then it got better Monday and Tuesday, and today, just before bed, he threw another one. Poor kid.  I'm afraid that the demands of "real" school might be getting to him, even though he says he likes it.  It could also be the fact that I'm so distracted and that Matt's gone.  He says he enjoys school, but he's peed in his pants once and has already been to the school nurse for a tummy ache. I had to quickly make arrangements today to leave and go get him, but then they called me back and said he felt better all of a sudden.  

Evan started preschool yesterday, and that seems to have gone pretty well . All of our drop-offs and pick-ups are working well, too.  Evan loves our child care provider, and Aidan really seems to enjoy going there after school, too.  The annoying thing about Evan right now is that he's really, really whiney and doesn't want to do a lot for himself.  I'm trying not to cater to that too much b/c I don't want him to have baby-of-the-family syndrome.  At the pool on Sunday, I decided that I just couldn't carry him anymore.  So, of course, that meant that he was sitting on the hot concrete crying while everyone in the pool gave me the hairy eyeball.  I ended up carrying him a little of the way, and then I "encouraged" him along to the car.  Baby steps.

My classroom is starting to shape up a bit.  It's weird being at a school where students actually bring the supplies you've asked them to buy.  I found myself under a mountain of index cards, glue sticks, and colored markers.  That's in addition to 130 new, huge textbooks, 260 workbooks, and 130 copies of Night.  Oh, and we also got in our new handheld computers

. I have 26 of them sitting on a cart in my room in their original boxes. The kids are already freaking out in excitement over them, which worries me a bit b/c we don't have locking cabinets for them. Besides having to get organized and figure out how the school works, I'm really enjoying my days with the students. I'm getting to know them a bit, and I'm able to put more and more names to faces. They're pretty funny. One of them nearly made me fall off of my stool on Friday when he said he was born in 1994. The girls are all mostly developed, but the guys are still playing catch-up. They're very tall, compared to the 7th graders, and the voice-cracking has kicked in big-time. I heard a kid pass off his croaky voice today as "allergies." Hehe. I'm trying hard to remember what 8th grade was like for me. Overall, I remember starting out the year the same shallow girl I was in 7th grade and then changing massively around the middle of the school year. I'm sure being introduced to The Cure had something to do with it. :) I'm off to Zappos.com to do some shoe-shopping. My shoe wardrobe needs an overhaul, as even my "comfy" shoes leave me hobbling by the end of the day. I'm thinking all Dansksos, all the time.

Capable or scared?

A few weeks ago, Aidan's school sent a letter home informing us that two 4 yo kids from one of the preschool classes had climbed the 6 ft. chain link fence and walked 3 blocks west, crossing several neighborhood streets. They were walking on the sidewalk of a really busy street, but they never crossed that one. A woman saw them and called the police. The teachers at school had noticed that the two kids were missing, but one of them had a history of hiding on the school grounds, so they were looking there. In the school's 43 year history, this has never happened before. The owner of the school took this very seriously and called a special meeting to discuss the issue with the staff and invited any questions from parents. She self-reported to the Dept. Of Human Services, and they are conducting an investigation, which will include sanctioning the teachers who were on duty at the time. Extra staff have been put on duty in the afternoon. Preschool officially ends at noon and all-day Kindergarten (Aidan's class) ends at three, but kids stay in the after-care program. They usually have a lot of time during these afternoons to roam around the school's massive backyard. This was one of the things that initially drew us to the school. We knew that Aidan would be so completely happy in a place like that. I've never seen a better playground before or since.
There are a few friends in my local moms group who seem to be really concerned about this incident. I've heard, "If MY child were going to that school, I'd take her out" and "If I were paying them good money, I expect them to watch my kids better than that." There are many rumors swirling around about this, but no one has asked what's being done about it. They can't get past the fact that the kids "could have been killed." One of my friends suggested that the fact that the kids hadn't been killed made absolutely no difference.
For those of us who have children at this school, we definitely recognize that this is a serious safety concern. However, every single school parent that I've talked to is really impressed by the way it's been handled by the staff. A similar incident occurred at another prestigious local daycare. In that case, the parents were not informed, the school didn't report to DHS, and the school blamed the child. Yes, we all wish that these kids hadn't escaped. Of course, everyone is beyond relieved that they were returned unharmed. Should we all pull our kids out of a school with a positive 43 year history? Evan's starting there in 2 weeks for the summer program. I don't worry about Aidan there one bit. He's old enough to know the score, and he's never been one to escape anyway. Evan's definitely more of a thrill-seeker, and he's still so little. I've voiced my concerns to the owner, and I felt really comfortable with her reassurances.
In general, I'm not one of the helicopter moms at the park. I like to sit back and let my kids be kids at the playground. I lose track of them occasionally, and Evan will sometimes run away from me. Sometimes my kids climb way higher than I'd like for them to, and they have a keen interest in exploring the ditch and wanting to go hang out at the gazebo with the homeless guys. I know that every time I take them to the park, I'm risking their safety just a bit. I feel that the risk is worth it, especially when I see them grow everyday in confidence. Would that confidence be achieved without that bit of risk?
As a parent, it's really hard not to let fear rule your decisions. In the case of this incident, I think about the ways that the community came together to get these kids back: the woman who called the police, the police who came, the social worker from DHS who is working with the owner to devise a plan so that this doesn't happen again. At the Mother's Day Tea Party on Monday, I was reminded again of why I chose this school and why we'll continue on there. The school has been like Aidan's second family for three years now. I can't think of another place that would have accepted him for who he is so readily, from the aggressive, hyper 3yo to the wacky, sometimes-shy, incurably curious 6yo he's become.
Throughout this whole ordeal, I couldn't help but think about Richard Louv's book Last Child in the Woods. In Chapter 10, "The Bogeyman Syndrome Redux," he writes, "Fear is the most potent force that prevents parents from allowing their children the freedom they themselves enjoyed when they were young." Later, he writes, "Excessive fear can transform a person and modify behavior permanently; it can change the very structure of the brain. The same can happen to a whole culture. What will it be like for children to grow up in socially and environmentally controlled environments--condominiums and planned developments and covenant-controlled housing developments surrounded with walls, gates, and surveillance systems, where covenants prevent families from planting gardens? One wonders how the children growing up in this culture of control will define freedom when they are adults."
I'm not saying that it's okay for 4 year olds to be allowed to escape from the schoolyard and wander the streets alone. What I am saying is that the fear that drives parents to obsess about the problem and retreat with their children in tow (at what cost?) moves us no closer to a solution. One of the wonderful things that Aidan's school strives to teach every child is that he/she is CAPABLE. In finding solutions to this safety concern, they are modeling that they are capable of recognizing the issue, coming to grips with it, and seeing that it doesn't happen again. I will stress to my own children, as they continue on at this school, that they, too, are capable of following the rules and playing in that wonderful play yard, close to the adults they know they can trust.

The end of an era...

The end of an era..., originally uploaded by Halfway Hip.

Evan has weaned, at the age of 2 years, 4 months. It's truly the end of an important chapter in my life. Almost to the day, I had been pregnant or nursing for seven years straight. I can't lie; it's been so nice to have my body back. However, even after 3 weeks, I still feel little pangs that I might have ended it too soon. LITTLE pangs. :)

so many things...a story of adult ADD

I have so many blog entry ideas going through my head. I usually get the best ones as I'm going to sleep, while I'm in the shower, while I'm working out, or while I'm driving in the car. All useless places to act on said inspiration. When naptime arrives, if I'm lucky enough to score a naptime, my brain is already somewhat fried and I just end up puttering around the net or the house. Do I really get things done? No! No blog posts, no significant emails, no work on the neverending online teacher job application, no dishes, no laundry, no office/file/craft area organization, no preparing of pile o' shit to mail. All of this is stuff I want and need to do, but I just can't seem to get around to doing any of it. I did manage to bang out a proposal to teach another writing workshop last week. It was accepted, so I officially really do have work to do now. Luckily, it was a lesson I already designed. I even have an article published about it. Look, it's on ERIC! I'm famous! Err...nevermind. Don't look. I'm buried somewhere there in the abstract. eeeneyway.... this workshop will be a lot less work...just some minor tweaking. I need to visualize the actual teaching part more this time around. Last time, I caught myself in some really bad teaching moments by going around and saying things like, "Good work." Whaaaa?

Have I mentioned that I'm going to New York City in a little over two weeks??? Kristen and I wanted to take a trip to celebrate our 20th Friendiversary. She's busy as hell and works for a living, so she decided to bring me along for the ride to some baby trade show in lieu of an actual vacation. Well, it will still be a vacay for me because I'll be gone for FIVE DAYS WITH NO KIDS. Even if I had to dig ditches all day long, it would still seem like a break if I had freedom every night to do what the hell I wanted. In NEW YORK CITY! We have no definitive plans, other than 3 days of trade show, and I like it that way. I just want to wander around, look at some interesting people, shop at some unique places, and eat some cool food. We'll tear it up like we did at Baptist Camp in 1988. Matt will somehow make do here at home without me for the first few days, and then his mom will come and rescue help him out for the 3 days he'll have to work. She can't find anything in our house, nor can she work the carseat, the baby gate on the stairs, the shower switch, and she gets really lost driving around our town. I don't know how they're going to make it. I'll probably have to work like a dog getting the house ready, getting the meal plan/shopping done, scheduling playdates , making lists, printing out directions, etc. I'll have to keep thinking of ALL THE FUN I'm going to have. Whee! I haven't been on a plane without a child in over 7 years! I haven't spent more than 1 night away from Evan and more than 2 nights away from Aidan! I have been pregnant or nursing for almost 7 years now! I'm so ready!

The week in review

Swiped from my good internet buddy, Sassymama.

1. What was your biggest challenge this past week? Now that Evan is totally night weaned (knock wood), he has replaced night nursing with sticking himself to my face like a barnacle, or like that thing on "Alien" that laid an egg in that guy's mouth. Consequently, I haven't been sleeping too well at night. We moved Evan's toddler bed over so that he's more on his own, but he protested so violently when he woke up at 10:30 last night, we put him back in bed with us. Baby steps, I guess.

2. What was your biggest accomplishment this past week? Little things...I fixed two necklaces, made a pair of earrings, made a new necklace. We started a babysitting trade-off with a good friend of mine, which will save us the $40 a week I was paying for Evan's weekly babysitting back in the fall. While Evan was happily playing at Stephanie's on Monday, and while Aidan was at school, Matt and I had lunch at Thai Raja and then spent a few hours cleaning up our upstairs disaster zone. Filing, box-shifting, finding stuff to give away, discovering more storage in the crawl space. We also discovered more stuff that the workmen left here from the renovation...a sharp circular saw piece, two nasty couch pillows from the previous owners, and a whole lot of dust. Now, we're working on emptying our rental storage unit, which will save us another $50 a month w/out causing too much pain.

3. What was the most exciting thing that happened in your life this past week? It was a little over a week ago, but I'll write about it anyway. Last Friday, we went out to celebrate Matt's birthday with our friends Derek and Melissa. Dinner at Abuelo's was fresh and delicious, as was the pitcher of margaritas that Matt and I shared. We then went on to Nonna's upstairs bar for desserts, where I had a drinkable Tiramasu cocktail. We probably should have tried harder to find a more suitable spot to hang out next, but it was freezing outside, so we didn't feel like walking around. We ended up at the SKYY Bar, a meat market-like dance club. The music was pretty fun, with lots of 90s R&B/pop hits. I had a few too many Citron and sodas and kept repeating that I was "dancing ironically." Matt had a blast watching me get drunker than I've been in a whole lot of years. See pics at my Flickr. It took all day Saturday to recover, but it was worth it. Don't want to do it again anytime soon, though. Will have to research more age-appropriate nightlife options in this area. I also got to go to my book club, as well as to dinner out with two of my friends last night.

4. What one thing made you the happiest this past week? Not really any one thing. Despite lots of anxiety about our future, I've felt basically happy and contented. Matt and I have been communicating brilliantly. I'm really enjoying my SAHM status a lot more these days, knowing that it will all come to an end soon. I've had time to work out more lately. I got in 4 workouts this past week with NO resulting injuries. The weight I've put on due to holidays and weaning Evan is slowly starting to come off. I got a chance to get some minor errands done, such as getting my OU transcript to send in to get a new teaching certificate and taking two pairs of jeans to the tailor. Oh, and I also had time to go to Cindy's Resale by myself. I had $50 in credit, and spent exactly that on a nice pair of black work-type pants, a cream short sleeved sweater shrug/jacket thing, a knit top, a work skirt, a pair of almost-new Indigo by Clarks black ballet flats, and three $1 bracelets (two of which I used to make that cool necklace.)

2008 New Years Meme

I did this last year, too.

1.What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before? Got my nose pierced.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I made a list of 34 things I wanted to before I turn 34, but I still have a few weeks in which to accomplish that list! Stay tuned...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? A few of my local friends had new babies. They're all really cute, smiley, and fat right now.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Neither were close, but my stepsister died in September, followed by my best friend's father a few days later.

5. What countries did you visit? No other countries, but I went to Texas, New Mexico, Colorado (for about an hour!). It wasn't much of a traveling year for me.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? The ability to concentrate fully on the task at hand, be it a conversation, a hobby, something work related, playing with my kids, etc. I think I once thought I was great at multitasking, but I'm just not. My brain has had a hard time with that lately. It can even lead me to hurt people's feelings when I don't mean to.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The end of April. I never had an exact date for Matt's arrival back home from an unexpected 4 month deployment to Ecuador. I never expected that deployment to be as hard as it was, especially for Aidan.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting the kids and myself through the deployment. Working for pay for the first time in 6 years. Being there for my dad when he needed me.

9. What was your biggest failure? The times I got too angry with Aidan. Sadly, this is the same answer I gave in 2006. I think things are finally getting better for good, though. He's school-aged now, which makes a huge difference!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a delicate "sports injury" back in September. I was sick with a cold from the middle of November til Christmas.

11. What was the best thing you bought? New camping equipment from REI.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Aidan has really, really matured over the past 6 months or so. Evan is becoming more of a little stinker, but that's to be expected for a 2 year old. He's still so effin cute and funny. I think Matt's been handling his arch-ultra-neocon father very well lately.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Usually my own...see #9! Same answer as last year!

14. Where did most of your money go? Paying off debt, fixing the foundation on our house, paying for a flying course Matt had to have to get a civilian aviation job. Super Target also seems to get a lot of my money, as do our food co-ops. Such is life. Oh, and ITunes got a SICK amount of $$ from me, too. I've been on a new music diet for a while, as a result.

15. What events did you get really, really, really excited about? All of the great concerts I got to see...The Killers, Arctic Monkeys, Interpol, Modest Mouse, and The Flaming Lips. Aidan teaching himself how to dive off a diving board. Aidan teaching himself how to ride a bike almost immediately. It literally was so exciting, it took my breath away. Going camping as a family again, for the first time in 3 years.

16. What song will always remind you of ‘07? So many!! (see #14 and #15!) Anything by any one of those bands, b/c, for half the year, I was preparing myself for one of those shows by listening to the music nonstop. I've had some very dry music years in the past decade, so I was so happy to welcome it back into my life in this very youthful way...looking up videos, reading bios of the bands, getting excited to see pics of them, and learning the lyrics.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. Happier or Sadder? definitely happier. My marriage had a much better year, and the military life is almost behind us!
II. Thinner or Fatter? Thinner, but just a bit. My plan to lose 20 lbs. in the past year has turned into losing just 10! I think I look better, though, and exercise is more of a routine in my life.
III. Richer or Poorer? Probably even. We will soon take a big financial hit when Matt leaves the Air Force, so we're trying to prepare for that.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I didn't get to spend any time at a beach. I wish the upstairs of my house wasn't such a disaster area. I wish I had written more. I truly notice a lot, and think about a lot, and remember a lot, but I need to work on my brain (see #6) to find the space to write it all down.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Arguing, yelling at Aidan, worrying about what others think. (Same as last year!)

20. How will you be spending Christmas? We spent it together here at home with Matt's parents.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Probably Helen or Stephanie or Jean. All local friends.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007? Not with anyone new.

23. How many one-night stands? At this stage in the game, that would get me in big trouble.

24. What was your favorite TV program? The Office, Lost, Flight of the Conchords, This American Life, 49Up

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Life's too short.

26. What was the best book you read? Nonviolence: 25 Lessons from the History of a Dangerous Idea by Mark Kurlansky This was our December selection for my nonfiction book club. This book turned many things that I thought I knew so completely around, I'm still trying to absorb it. At the book club meeting, I was a blubbering mess, trying to explain all the ways this book affected me. I can't recommend it enough.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery? The first album by Interpol, "Turn on the Bright Lights." Yet another cool Canadian band, The New Pornographers. Oh, and I'm a Flaming Lips believer now.

28. What did you want and get? For Matt to move over to the instructor squadron at his job. This meant no more deployments. Plus, he's been the scheduler, which means that he can schedule himself to be home when I need him to! (shh...)

29. What did you want and not get? An end to the war in Iraq. (Same as 2006!) For my dad to stop smoking.

30. What were your favorite films of this year? Sicko, Junebug, City of God are the first ones that come to mind. We usually see films years late b/c our Netflix Queue is at 400 or more.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 33. Matt was gone. I think my mom came into town and spent the weekend, but it was nothing special.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If Matt had not been deployed for 4 months. The way it went down was incredibly unfair, too, which still stings.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? I joined the Wardrobe_Remix group on Flickr, which was definitely a great source of inspiration during the fall. I do think it also led me to wear some ugly-weird outfits I normally wouldn't wear, but it was all part of the fun. I bought way less at Old Navy than probably any year before. Most of my new purchases came from thrift stores, Cindy's Resale shop, or Target. Oh, and I think I'm finally out of the plus-size market. That can be both good and bad.

34. What kept you sane? Coffee, good sex, going to my therapist back when Matt was deployed, fun nights out, hiring babysitters when needed

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least? I'm not really that celebrity obsessed. I don't check into any of the blogs, and I usually skim over my gift subscription to Entertainment Weekly.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Probably the SChip health insurance bill for kids.

37. Whom did you miss? My friend, Sara, who lives in Denmark now. I think I'll get to see her this summer, though! We did share a long phone conversation back in November, but it was way overdue.

38. Who was the best new person you met? She's not new, but I got to hang around Melissa again. She's the wife of one of Matt's longtime coworkers. She's another disgruntled Air Force wife, another English teacher, she's done the stay-at-home bit, she has small children, she and her husband are irreverent and antiwar as well. We went to their Halloween party, sat next to them at the otherwise painful squadron holiday party, and we'll get to see them next week when we hit the town for Matt's birthday.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: That I don't have to try to earn a PhD in parenting. A Bachelor's degree is good enough, with a smattering of graduate-level study. Many thanks to my therapist for this analogy.

40. Do you have any lost feelings of others? I'm still not sure I understand this question, but I'm guessing it means to ask if I've disappointed anyone this year? The answer is definitely yes. It's never intentional, but my inability to multitask can sometimes leave my friends out in the cold. Things are left unsaid, undone.

41. Quote a song that sums up your year:I'll give a sampling of lyrics from all the bands I got to see:

From Interpol's "Pioneer to the Falls":

So much for make believe, I'm not sold
So much of dreams deceive, I'm not prepared to know
Your heart makes me feel
Your heart makes me bold
For always and ever, I'll never let go
Always concealed
Safe and inside, alive!

From The Killers' "This River is Wild":

Run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
Watch it turn
But shake a little
Sometimes I'm nervous when I talk
I shake a little
Sometimes I hate the line I walk
I just want to show you what I know
And catch you when the current lets you go

From Modest Mouse's "Missed the Boat":

While we're on the subject, could we change the subject now
I was knocking on your ear's door but you were always out
Looking towards the future we were begging for the past
Well we know we had the good things but those never seemed to last
oh please just last
Everyone's unhappy, everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking at somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water but we used them like a dam

From The Flaming Lips' "The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song":

If you could blow up the world
With the flick of a switch
Would you do it?
(Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah)
If you could make everybody poor
Just so you could be rich
Would you do it?
(Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah)

If you could watch everybody work
While you just lay on your back
Would you do it?
(Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah)
If you could take all the laughs
Without giving any back
Would you do it?
(Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah)

From The Arctic Monkeys' "This House is a Circus":

This house is a circus, berzerk as fuck
We tend to see that as a perk, though. Look
What it's done to your friends. Their memories are pretend,
and the last thing that they want is for this feeling to end.

Overhead, Christmas edition II

"Santa won't come to a filthy house."

"Santa might trip over all my toys."

"Hiding wrapped presents under the Christmas tree isn't really hiding them," someone told me after he picked up his gift to check it out. We usually have a strict "no shaking" policy.

Overhead, Christmas edition

Overheard just a few moments ago:

"Santa does not fight. Santa does not make karate noises. Santa comes down the chimney and says, "ho, ho, ho."

It's going to be a long day. Looking forward to new-toy relaxation tomorrow.

our holiday card photo

our holiday card photo, originally uploaded by Halfway Hip.

Sam braved the windy cold with us one day last week and took some great photos along the way. We actually had a pretty good time wandering around the OU campus in the freezing cold/too bright sun looking for some good photo opportunities.

Aidan Turns Six

I'm kind of sad about it! These days, I almost can't help but gawk at him. His body has changed so much in the past year. There's not an ounce of baby fat left. His legs and arms are so incredibly long and lean. His legs are hairy, which won't come as a shock to those of you who have met Matt. His personality is developing by leaps and bounds. I posted a line by Bill Murray's character in "Lost in Translation" in my old blog a few years ago, and I think it's very apt now: "It gets a whole lot more complicated....when you have kids. It's the most terrifying day of your life. The day the first one is born. Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you'll ever meet in your life."

I remember that when I first wrote down that quote, I couldn't wait to get to that point with my own children. I think it's finally arrived. Mostly.

Last year, we had a Pirate Party here at home. Because it was here at home, our tiny home, we could only invite about 10 friends. For the past year, I've known that I wanted to have a bigger party so that we could invite everyone. I really wish that we could do a party at a park, but that's a very dicey proposition during the first week of December. So, we decided to rent out the local skating rink for 2 hours and invite everyone. At my latest count, we have 88 people coming. The party will be no-frills...just a grocery-store cupcake on a napkin for each kid. No balloons, no streamers, no table cloths, no effin goodie bags. The skating is the reason for the season. So is the music, which Aidan helped us select. Aidan's choices include "For Reasons Unknown" by The Killers, "Disappear" by INXS and "C'Mere" by Interpol. I've also put some of his kid music on there, such as "Puff the Magic Dragon" (kind of a downer at a party, but whatever) and "Mahna Mahna" by Cake. Oh, and some Dan Zanes, too. Every night this week, Matt and I have been working on either the cd or the DVD slide show, which will be projected onto the big wall at the rink. Aidan will get to choose where we eat dinner after the party (which ends at 6:00). It will be interesting to see what he picks.